My Journey

 Online, you may see a strong, highly motivated, fit and confident version of me, but that wasn’t always the case..In college, I struggled heavily with anxiety, depression, and body-image. I had a very verbally abusive boyfriend at the time that drilled into my head that I was fat. Weighing in at a whopping 110 pounds, at 5’3”, I wasn’t the fit girl you see on instagram today by any means, but I was anything but “fat”. However, I couldn’t see that at the time, and given my already prevalent body image issues, his words stuck to my soul like glue and it drove me into a downward spiral.

    While already struggling with body dysmorphia, the constant feeling that I was not enough for my boyfriend or even good enough for myself eventually drove me to anorexia. I was down to eating 3 cans of tuna fish over lettuce per day, drinking 1 gallon of water to keep me full, and 3 cups of green tea to keep my hunger pains at bay. I was maybe eating a total of 600 calories per day. On top of starving myself, I resorted to running 6 miles daily, and lifting “weights” (5lb dumbbells) at home to desperately try to look as model thin as I thought I was supposed to look. I was repulsed by the thought of being fat in the eyes of anyone, including myself. Every time I walked past a mirror, I would stare and judge myself, thinking how disgusting I looked in comparison to the beautiful, tall, thin models I saw on instagram. I was willing to nearly kill myself to be what I thought was “enough” by making myself as “model-like” and thin as I could possibly be. This drove my anxiety to such extremes that any time I was forced to leave the house for groceries, a run or class, I was petrified to talk to anyone. I stared at the ground and never made eye-contact with anyone that passed by me. I had so much anxiety that my heart rate would accelerate, I would start to sweat, my mind would race, and I wasn't even able to hold a conversation. I completely lost myself, and became distant from friends and family due to my inability to even engage in everyday life outside of school.

   People all around me began to make comments about my weight and asked my family if I was ok when they saw how scary thin I became. I always laughed it off and assured them I was healthy, but inside I knew I was not. I felt like shit, and my body was breaking down. I could barely function. I had reached an all time low with my depression and often felt suicidal. But thanks to the help of my friends overtime, I slowly came to my senses and left the abusive relationship I was in, moved out and proceeded to start a new chapter.

   The next chapter of my life was about learning. I knew I wanted to change, I wanted to feel like myself again, and I began putting myself back out there in the world and learning about weight training and practicing yoga. While the spiritual aspects of meditation and yoga fueled my spirits, my relationship with food took a bit longer to rekindle. Although I was eating more, and feeling better, for many years I did not have a great relationship with food out of my worst fear of becoming “fat”. As my body started to take shape from more nourishment I was allowing myself and weight training, people around me wanted to know my secret. I got asked over and over again for fitness advice, but not feeling qualified to do so, I refused to give it. After a few years of training, learning from self experience in the gym, and getting my life back to a healthier point, I finally felt ready to take the plunge and formally educate myself in personal training. My body transformed into a muscular, healthy shape and people really began to notice. I was passionate about fitness and how positively it transformed my life and I wanted to be able to help others who so badly wanted to know my “secret”. Upon receiving my certification, my hunger for knowledge of health, fitness and nutrition began to grow and flourish, I became a sponge and soaked up anything I could from other trainers and classes I attended.  Although I had a few personal training clients at the time, I knew I wanted to expand this passion into a career, and worked endlessly to make it happen. I worked on the weekends as a bottle server in a nightclub, waited tables at night, and bartended on yacht cruises just to pay my bills. I worked crazy long hours and got up every morning at 4am to meet my training clients with a smiling face because I loved seeing them transform and feel like the strongest versions of themselves.

   Fast forward to today, as a full-time professional trainer, I look back on my journey and smile because I realize that the reason I do all of this, is because I want the same for you. I want you to look within and realize that you have everything that it takes to rise from the ashes and become the best, most confident, and strongest version of yourself. It’s my mission for you to rekindle strength from the inside out, and harness the power of your full potential. Fitness quite literally changed my life, and it’s my blessing to be able to share that with others. I hope you find power and inspiration in my journey and apply that strength to the journey you’re going through. I can’t wait to see you on the other side. :)